55 posts tagged “humor”

Can you imagine this bimbo explaining this one to her grandchildren forty years from now?  That is, if she can get laid to bear any children in the first place!

Another “classy” tattoo

Bible verses and tramp stamps — the perfect combo!

This last one isn’t a tramp stamp, but I’m guessing the owner of these tattoos has absolutely no desire to ever get laid again:

AIRLINE LUGGAGE VIRUS - You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

ALZHEIMER'S VIRUS - It makes your computer forget where it put your files.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS v 1.0 - It terminates and stays resident. It'll be back!

BILL CLINTON VIRUS v 1.0 - It has a six inch hard drive and no memory. Freezes entire system due to unresolved memory conflicts.

BOB DOLE (aka Viagra) VIRUS - Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

DISNEY VIRUS - Everything in the computer goes Goofy.

FRENCH VIRUS - garbles some files and then displays a message asking you for help. If you click OK, it just garbles more files and asks for help again. If you click Cancel, it displays the message, "I surrender!" and shuts down your computer. If you click Ignore, it scans your computer for the German and Russian viruses. If the French, Russian, and German viruses find each other, they merge into a single virus that conflicts with the George W. Bush virus, slowing it down.

GEORGE W. BUSH VIRUS v 1.0 - Doesn't do anything, but you can't get rid of it until November.

GEORGE W. BUSH VIRUS v 2.0 - Tells you it's going to eliminate all other viruses from your computer but that it may take a long time. Then it actually does scan your computer and eliminate viruses. It also scans for Programs of Mass Destruction (PMD), which are programs that destroy a lot of files if they are run. PMDs may be caused by a number of other viruses, such as the Saddam Hussein virus. The only problems with the George Bush virus are that it uses up a lot of your computer's resources while it's scanning, it never seems to find any PMDs, and it keeps switching the background color on your computer screen back and forth between yellow and orange.

HILLARY CLINTON VIRUS v 1.0 - Files disappear, only to reappear mysteriously a year later, in another directory.

HILLARY CLINTON VIRUS v 2.0 - sets the "hidden" attribute on all your accounting files and tells you your computer won't run in 2004 or 2008. Many experts believe this virus may become its most dangerous in 2008.

HOWARD STERN VIRUS - One of the dirtiest viruses around. It writes 4 letter words to all of your files just to annoy the operating system. It also installs an X-rated GIF on your hard drive. Very popular.

HURRICANE VIRUS - It blows away all your files, then tells you the government will help you rebuild them.

MAFIA VIRUS - You don't want it, but you're afraid to get rid of it.

MARTHA STEWART VIRUS - Takes all your files, sorts them by category and folds them into cute little doilies to be displayed on your desktop.

MOM VIRUS- Places a phone call to your mother every time you click on an adult website.

MONICA LEWINSKY VIRUS v 1.0 - It sucks the juice out of your system, but only affects laptops. Then, it emails everyone about what it did. This later activates the Independent Counsel virus.

NEWT GINGRICH VIRUS - It repartitions your hard disk into two volumes yet allocates most of the available resources to the 'Right' partition. When attacked by anti-virus software from the 'left' partition, it terminates and restarts to continue its work as a background process.

NIKE VIRUS - Just does it.

O.J. SIMPSON VIRUS v 1.0 - It claims that it did not, could not, and would not delete two of your files and vows to find the virus that did it.

O.J. SIMPSON VIRUS v 2.0 (Often accompanied by the Johnny Cochran Virus.) – You know it's guilty of trashing your system, but you just can't prove it. Every time you try to search for a file, it runs "Pro Golf Tour 2000" instead.

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS - Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.

PAUL REVERE VIRUS - This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack- Once, if by LAN; twice if by C.

POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS v 1.0 - Never calls itself a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."

POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS v 2.0 - Rephrases the "Abort, Retry, Fail" prompt as "Choice, Retry, Success-Impaired".

PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION VIRUS - Makes your browser stop at every website.

RICHARD NIXON VIRUS - Also known as the "Tricky Dick Virus", you can wipe it out but it always makes a comeback. Popular in China.

RIGHT TO LIVE VIRUS v 1.0 - Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. Prints, “Oh, no, you don't!”, whenever you choose Abort from the "Abort, Retry, Fail" message.

RODNEY DANGERFIELD VIRUS - Gets no respect. Only allows data do be displayed as one-liners.

DAVID DUKE VIRUS - Makes your screen go completely white.

RUSH LIMBAUGH VIRUS v 1.0 - Probably the most dangerous virus we've ever seen. It occupies 50Mb, complains about all the other files, than eats them. It's so stupid you don't take it seriously until it's too late.

TEENAGER VIRUS - Your PC stops every few seconds to ask for money.

TEXAS VIRUS - Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

TITANIC VIRUS - Makes your whole computer go down. You get a sinking feeling when your system crashes.

TOBACCO INDUSTRY VIRUS - It contends that there is no reliable scientific evidence that viruses can harm you computer or that it targets adolescent computer users.

It seems as if I have a homing device to attract the religious of all stripes.  I don't know what it is; perhaps it's my air of disrepute that attracts them like moths to a flame.

Recently, they hired a new guy at my place of employment, a squeaky-clean, straight arrow kind of person.  I didn't have a problem with him until he started peddling his religion on me.  He'd heard that I liked music and had some formal musical training, so he used that as a way to start preaching to me.  Starting out innocently enough, he told me that he was the "praise leader" at his church, in charge of providing the music for their services, blah, blah, blah.

After a few moments of this, he got to his point of the entire conversation -- he wanted to know where I went to church. All the fundies do this, as they believe it's their duty to sell their religion to one and all.

Not really caring to discuss my opinion about religion with him, I simply told him that I didn't go, hoping to leave it at that.

No such luck.

He invited me to attend his church, telling me that I could be an asset to their "praise team" with my musical training.

I nearly choked and laughed myself to death all at the same time.  Hell, talk about barking up the wrong tree!  I'd probably burst into flames if I ever set foot into his smarmy, fundamentalist church.

Still not wanting to discuss religion in a work setting, I merely declined, citing the fact that I'm scheduled to work every Sunday. 

Fortunately, at this moment, he had to get back to work, so I was spared being more blunt with him.  But I'm guessing that some time soon, I'll have to tell him to fuck off in no uncertain terms.

Like most people, I’ve had several embarrassing things to happen to me in my life. What I am about to relate, however, is probably my most embarrassing moment.

One evening in the early nineties, I decided to drive thirty miles to a larger town to visit a bookstore, bringing my then preteen son along with me.

Not long after we arrived and my son had gone off to look at the kids’ books, I was hit by severe stomach cramps. I tried to ignore it, hoping it would go away, but the pain only increased. I knew that I had to find a bathroom -- fast!

The store had a public restroom; a single toilet bathroom meant to be used by both sexes. And I got to it just in time. No sooner than I’d sat on the toilet than I was hit with extreme diarrhea. I sat there for several minutes, not wanting to get up until I was sure I was through. Several times, I thought I was done, but had to sit down again for another wave.

Finally, the stomach pain abated. I wiped, then flushed the toilet and moved to wash my hands. But I never heard that “glug-glug-glug” sound a toilet makes after a successful flush, so I turned to see what the problem was. To my dismay, the water in the toilet was rising rapidly and it overflowed as I watched. And kept overflowing until the water and unmentionable stuff was two inches deep on the bathroom floor and was flowing out the bottom of the door onto the sales floor.

Normally, in such an instance, in the usual public, multi-stalled restroom, I’d just quietly slink away from the scene of the crime, as no one would know who’d done it. But in this instance, I was trapped. I’d asked a salesclerk where the bathroom was, so they’d know who’d done it, if I simply slunk out of the store. And because I wanted to be able to come back there again to buy books, sneaking out wasn’t an option.

And I didn’t want to leave the bathroom to search for a salesperson to tell them what had happened, as another person could have gone into the bathroom and found the mess while I was doing that.

Looking around the bathroom, I saw several rolls of paper towels, so I cleaned up the nastiest part of the mess as well as I could, stuffing their trashcan full of dirty towels. I did all this with my stomach still on the queasy side. However, there was still the water and some residual nastiness to deal with after I’d used up all the towels.

I poked my head out the door and got the attention of a passing salesclerk, asking him to bring me a mop and a bucket, explaining that the toilet had overflowed. After it was brought, I cleaned it up as quickly as I could.

Finally, I came out. The manager thanked me for cleaning it up, and mentioned, offhandedly that they’d been having that problem with the toilet for some time. More than a little put out, I asked why hadn’t it been fixed and why wasn’t there a sign in the bathroom warning people of the problem, as I’d have run next door to the Burger King to use the bathroom had I known their toilet was malfunctioning. He mumbled some sort of an excuse about their budget, but said he’d put up a sign.

I left soon thereafter, and it was over a year before I went to that store again.

Feel free to share your own embarrassing moments in the comment section.

When I saw this picture, I was immediately reminded of the old Johnny Cash song, "One Piece At a Time":

Well, I left Kentucky back in '49
An' went to Detroit workin' on a 'sembly line
The first year they had me puttin' wheels on cadillacs

Every day I'd watch them beauties roll by
And sometimes I'd hang my head and cry
'Cause I always wanted me one that was long and black.

One day I devised myself a plan
That should be the envy of most any man
I'd sneak it out of there in a lunchbox in my hand
Now gettin' caught meant gettin' fired
But I figured I'd have it all by the time I retired
I'd have me a car worth at least a hundred grand.

CHORUS
I'd get it one piece at a time
And it wouldn't cost me a dime
You'll know it's me when I come through your town
I'm gonna ride around in style
I'm gonna drive everybody wild
'Cause I'll have the only one there is a round.

So the very next day when I punched in
With my big lunchbox and with help from my friends
I left that day with a lunch box full of gears
Now, I never considered myself a thief
GM wouldn't miss just one little piece
Especially if I strung it out over several years.

The first day I got me a fuel pump
And the next day I got me an engine and a trunk
Then I got me a transmission and all of the chrome
The little things I could get in my big lunchbox
Like nuts, an' bolts, and all four shocks
But the big stuff we snuck out in my buddy's mobile home.

Now, up to now my plan went all right
'Til we tried to put it all together one night
And that's when we noticed that something was definitely wrong.

The transmission was a '53
And the motor turned out to be a '73
And when we tried to put in the bolts all the holes were gone.

So we drilled it out so that it would fit
And with a little bit of help with an A-daptor kit
We had that engine runnin' just like a song
Now the headlight' was another sight
We had two on the left and one on the right
But when we pulled out the switch all three of 'em come on.

The back end looked kinda funny too
But we put it together and when we got thru
Well, that's when we noticed that we only had one tail-fin
About that time my wife walked out
And I could see in her eyes that she had her doubts
But she opened the door and said "Honey, take me for a spin."

So we drove up town just to get the tags
And I headed her right on down main drag
I could hear everybody laughin' for blocks around
But up there at the court house they didn't laugh
'Cause to type it up it took the whole staff
And when they got through the title weighed sixty pounds.

CHORUS
I got it one piece at a time
And it didn't cost me a dime
You'll know it's me when I come through your town
I'm gonna ride around in style
I'm gonna drive everybody wild
'Cause I'll have the only one there is around.

(Spoken) Ugh! Yow, RED RYDER
This is the COTTON MOUTH
In the PSYCHO-BILLY CADILLAC Come on

Huh, This is the COTTON MOUTH
And negatory on the cost of this mow-chine there RED RYDER
You might say I went right up to the factory
And picked it up, it's cheaper that way
Ugh!, what model is it?

Well, It's a '49, '50, '51, '52, '53, '54, '55, '56
'57, '58' 59' automobile
It's a '60, '61, '62, '63, '64, '65, '66, '67
'68, '69, '70 automobile.

This morning I was browsing on the Yahoo home page where I saw the title of an article "10 Ways to Make Your Boss Happy".  Rolling my eyes, I went to read the article but found out it was a video, which I cannot run on my slow, crappy dialup.   But I'm sure it was more in the ilk of corporate buzzword euphemism, so I don't think I missed much.  What follows below is my rendition of the article's title, without all the euphemistic bullshit and beating around the bush.

How to Make Your Boss Happy

1.  Have No Life Of Your Own
2.  Do All the Work, Give Him All the Credit
3.  Volunteer for Everything
4.  Be an Office Snitch
5.  Never Take a Day Off For Anything
6.  Run Personal Errands For Him For Free
7.  Be a Yes Man
8.  Never Take A Sick Day No Matter How Sick You Are
9.  Cover For the Boss When He Screws Up -- Take the Blame Yourself
10.Give Up Anything That Might Interfere With Your Job (family, friends, etc)

And there you have it -- what a boss REALLY wants, with all the bullshit stripped away.

Here’s another caption contest for you: