The Perfect Dump
– Every once in a while, each of us experiences a perfect dump, it’s
rare, but a thing of beauty in all respects. You sit down expecting the
worst, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fartless masterpiece that
breaks the water with the splashless grace of an expert diver. But
that’s not the end of it. You use some toilet tissue only to find that
it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right with
the world and you are in perfect harmony with it.
The Beer Dump – Talk about nasty dumps. Depending
on the dumper’s tolerance, the beer dump is the end result of too many
beers. it could have been 2 or 22, it doesn’t matter. What you get is a
sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by a malevolent fog that
could close a bathroom for days.
The Chili Dump – Hot when it goes in, and rocket
fuel when it leaves. The chili dump stays with you all day, making your
ass feel like a heat shield.
The Cable Dump – Long, curly and perfectly formed
like 2 feet of E13 telephone CO-axial cable. It loops lazily around the
bowl, like a friendly serpent. You wonder admiringly, “DID I DO THAT?
Where did it come from?” you leave the bathroom pleased with yourself.
The Latrine Dump – In case you didn’t know, a
latrine is a hole in the ground with a tent around it where soldiers,
boy scouts and flies go to dump. Tip: Don’t ever, ever look in the hole.
The Mona Lisa Dump – This is the masterpiece of
dumps. It’s as perfectly formed as it can be. Delicate and slender with
intricacies that would make da Vinci weep. And just think, you made it
yourself. You may even want to break out the Polaroid, but maybe that’s
going a bit too far.
The Empty Roll Dump – You’re done…you reach for the
toilet paper only to discover that empty cardboard cylinder. A mild
panic begins coldly in your throat. You could use the curtains…no,
someone would say “Where are the curtains?” Then what would you say?
The rug?…too cumbersome. Then you must come to the same conclusion that
every “empty roll dumper” must face…Pull up your slacks, tighten your
ass and wriggle yourself to the nearest full roll.
The Splash Back Dump – You send the dump on its
way, it drops like a depth charge into the bowl creating a column of
cold bowl water that washes your ass with a startlingly unpleasant
shock. Now you’re wet and embarrassed.
Tip: Blot instead of wiping.
The Aborted Dump – You are in mid-dump when the
phone rings. What do you do? ABORT! Pinch it off, go for the phone, and
save the rest for later. It isn’t pretty, but you’ve gotta do what you
gotta do.
The Alfresco Dump - Everyone has had to go outdoors
from time to time. This can be a rather pleasant experience really. The
open air, the nature, and a good bush all contribute to the peaceful
ambiance that our primitive forefathers must have enjoyed. What can
screw up this harmonious interlude is a troop of brownies or a patch of
poison ivy.
The Childbirth Dump – This is a dump that is simply
too big to go through the aperture provided by nature for the purpose.
You sit there, thinking over your dilemma. First it hurts, and it isn’t
going to get any better. You wonder if you’ll ever see your loved ones
again. You imagine the newspaper headlines screaming “Man dies trying
to hatch monster loaf”. You realize you’ll have to resolve the crisis
before you can leave the bathroom. Basically there are only three
things you can do:
1. Scream
2. Call an Obstetrician
3. Hope like hell have enough Vaseline to get you through it.
The Tijuana Trot Dump – The phrase “Shit Happens”
really applies here in a big way. When the ice in your tainted
margarita makes contact with your lower intestinal tract, the fun
begins. For the next 72 hours you’d be better off if you carried your
own portable toilet with you because you will spend most of that time
on the pot and the rest of the time in a fetal position. Now you
realize why Mexico never had a navy.
The Machine Gun Dump – You’re just sitting there in
a state of sublime peace when all of a sudden you emit a group of noisy
gassy bursts that break the silence like machine gun fire. The guy in
the next stall hits the floor like a combat veteran cradling his
umbrella like an M16…damn commies.
The Sound Effect Dump – You feel a noisy one coming
on. Relatives, friends or work mates are within earshot, so you must
employ some clever techniques to cover the disgusting sounds you are
about to emit. Timing is obviously very important here. At the precise
moment of release, try the following sound effects:
1. Flush the toilet
2. Sing the first two stanzas of your national anthem
3. Drop a handful of quarters on the floor
The Security Dump – You have enough on your mind
when you’re in the bathroom without worrying about a lockless door and
someone bursting in to find you in mid-dump mode. So how can you
prevent this embarrassing spectacle from taking place? One way is to
strategically place your foot against the door. If you can’t reach to
do this…hum loudly
The Cling-On Dump – For the most part you’ve
completed your dump, but there’s one little morsel that refuses to drop
off. You’re getting impatient. Someone else wants to use your stall.
So, you grip the seat with both hands and wriggle, twist and pump but
that last little stubborn piece just hangs there, suspended, clinging
like a canned peach between you and the bowl water. Maybe the person
pounding impatiently on the door has scissors
The Houdini Dump – You go, then you stand up to
flush, and the darn thing has disappeared. Where’d it go? Did it creep
down the pipe? Did you dream the whole thing? Is it lurking out of
sight? Should you wipe…maybe you should just to make sure you went.
Should you flush? you’d better, because if you don’t, you know it will
reappear and smile at the next person who comes in
The Flu Dump – You feel so bad that you don’t know
which end of you to put down first. You have roaring cramps, so you sit
down. Then a wave of nausea rolls over you like a cold fog, so you
stand up and cramps squeeze your intestines like a vice so you sit down
again…up down up down. Don’t you wish Mom were close by?
The Porta-Pottie Dump – Construction workers and
outdoor concert goers will tell you about going in a portable toilet.
My best description would be, “Its like taking a shit in an upright
coffin”. Its claustrophobic and it smells bad…best advice…go in a paper
cup.
The Proctologist Dump – In the beginning, the lord
created the earth, the sky and the firmament, but I hope he didn’t
create this dump, because there is nothing biblical about it, you run
out of gas. That’s right, you run out of propulsion. The dump is right
there at the end of your barrel and refuses to go any further. You
grunt, you squeeze, you wriggle but it just stays there like a lump of
lead. You’ve only got two choices here. One is to squeeze the damn
thing back up your intestine and wait until next time. The other is to
pretend you’re a proctologist and go after it yourself. Not a pretty
picture is it??
The Whole Roll Dump – No matter how much you wipe,
it doesn’t seem to be enough. You blow the whole roll and you have to
flush 25 times too. The whole episode is consumer waste.
The Graffiti Dump – You flush the dump and the
swirling motion of the receding bowl water forces the dump to the
porcelain sides, scraping a creative squiggle on its way down. You
flush again but the curlicue hangs there…love it or leave it. Its your
choice.
The Encore Dump – Ahhhh, you’re done, so you wipe,
put yourself together, wash your hands and are about to vacate the
bathroom when you feel another dump coming. You have to return for a
curtain call. The world’s record is seven encores.
The Born Again Dump – This is a dump that’s going
so badly, you say “Lord, if I live through this, I’ll take up religion”
you always get through it, but seldom keep the promise you made in
desperation, because a born again dump is like childbirth…you forget
the pain quickly.
Turtle Shit
The kind of shit that pops out a little and goes back in a few times before it finallly comes out
Spinal Tap Shit
That’s the kind when it hurts so badly coming out, you swear it was leaving you sideways.
Liquid Shit, aka The Hershey Squirts
The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots you of your butt and spashes all over the toilet bowl.
The Surprise Shit
You are not even at the toilet, because you are sure you are about to fart, but, OOPS—shit!
Fisherman’s Bobber Shit
You are in a public restroom with two people waiting on your stall, you
shit and flush two times, but several golfball pieces are still
floating above the water line
